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on dating: i’m exhausted! where is he?!

On December 30th of last year my boyfriend of one year told me that we had to break up (our one-year anniversary was the day before). He didn’t see a future for us, not one in which we stayed together, got married one day and had babies. He didn’t see any of the things that I did.

So when something like that happens it feels like your heart is actually breaking. Like, it’s just dying. The realistic side of me knew that I would get through it. I just had to let those feelings happen and run their course. And they did and I got on with life. Now I’m dealing with “What do I do now??”

Let me tell you that this is not fun. I’m 32, single and childless. I want to be 32, married and pregnant. Why tiptoe around that? That’s what I want, it’s the truth. But before anyone starts talking about desperation, I’m not going to run into the arms of ANY dude that comes along. I can’t fake things, especially not my emotions. (Although, if Bradley Cooper would like to “take me away from all this” I’d go gladly, no questions asked.)

Anyone who knows me, knows that I have a terrible poker face. I dumped the guy I was going to go to my junior prom with a week before the dance because I felt more like his therapist than his girlfriend. Going to the dance alone was not at ALL what I wanted to do — and it sucked — but I couldn’t stay with him because it just wasn’t the right thing for either of us, even if the timing was terrible.

So with that said I’m obviously looking for something real, something substantial. I know that I don’t NEED a man, but I WANT one.

But let’s just face it. I’m tired. I’m like Charlotte from the Sex and the City where she gets so frustrated and just yells “I’ve been dating since I was 15! I’m exhausted! Where is he???”

That’s EXACTLY where I am right now. Like, I have no desire to put forth ANY effort whatsoever to land a dude. I just want him to show up and MAKE AN EFFORT to get to know me and ask me out. I’m always the one who puts forth effort, for once I want to be pursued.

The thought, just the mere idea, of going back to match.com or eHarmony makes me want to vomit. I don’t know if I can do that again — sift through profiles and then wait for someone to write back and then have that first phone call and hope that goes well enough to want to meet them for coffee. And then have to go to that coffee shop and PRAY that they’re great enough to want to go on another date. There are so many mini milestones that you have to hope to get through just to get to the point that you have someone good enough to eat dinner with.

I’m at the point in my life where I really want to have a baby. While my experience with my father makes the idea of purposely being a single mother not at all appealing to me, I’m starting to feel like time really isn’t on my side. I’m losing more viable eggs as I type this sentence. I don’t want to wait for “the right time” because what if there isn’t one?? And people always tell me that there never really is a “right time” anyway. I can do what I can to make sure I’m in a good place financially but there isn’t a whole lot I can do to control whether or not the right guy, THE guy, is there to marry me.

So I have no idea what’s next, or rather WHO’S next, but I know that I won’t settle and I won’t let a lack of a love life stop me from experiencing motherhood.


Image from © Lime Lane Photography

7 Comments

  1. Heidi
    April 16, 2013 at 11:55 AM ·

    Exactly…. EXACTLY!!!!

  2. Misty
    April 16, 2013 at 12:48 PM ·

    You’ve said exactly what I’ve been thinking for some time. I’m a couple years further along than you and I still have no answers. But I did just buy a puppy if that says anything.

  3. Granny Dunn
    April 16, 2013 at 12:58 PM ·

    Way to go girl. That’s the right attitude. Don’t settle for crumbs when you can have the whole loaf. I went through the same thing, and for 15 years I stayed true to my feelings and guess what? He returned. Now I’m not sure I want him anymore. Good luck on your true path.

  4. Sumer
    April 16, 2013 at 1:46 PM ·

    I can sympathize with that, Valli! I was 28 when I got married, but it seemed like everyone else did that at 24 or 25. Now I am married and have one son (that’s all I want)….but I can’t say marriage is fun. It’s hard and I’m fickle…Anyway, I hope it works out for you, and Sex and the City is my fav! I’m such a Charlotte with a little Carrie mixed in :)

  5. Kim
    April 16, 2013 at 2:20 PM ·

    Whoa there, gal! Take a breath. :D My sister was 35 when she got married and 37 when she had my nephew. Mr. Right came out of the blue, out of left field, from where she WASN’T looking.

    My suggestion? Stop looking. Just live your own life for awhile. Forget eHarmony. Forget match.com. For the next six months, forgetabboutit. Give yourself a break from the hassle. Re-evaluate in six months.

    I know it’s old fashioned, but the minute you stop looking for love, it’s going to bite you in the butt from where you least expect it.

    But think long, and think hard, before you embark on single motherhood. Be sure that you are following your head and not your uterus. You have more time on your biological time clock than you think you do.

    And by the way, your ex has no clue. Just sayin’.

  6. April 17, 2013 at 8:39 AM ·

    I totally feel where you are coming from…I just went through a divorce from the guy I had been with since I was 19…i”m 31. All of my friends have 1-2 babies and talk about “advanced maternal age” (35) all the time. I somehow had the presence of mind to not have kids in a marriage that wasn’t working, but when I start thinking about starting over and feeling so far behind, I feel panicky.
    Bottom line, everything has a right time and purpose. The older we get, the more we know ourselves and what we are truly looking for. Just know that when it does find you, it will be right. You have so many years left to have a family! My grandmother was got married at 33 and was 40 (in the 1950′s) when she had my mom, and she didn’t lack one thing in her life (she lived to be 93). I have to remind myself of this daily.
    Just be open to any possiblities and enjoy what you have going on NOW. Don’t waste these days hoping for the future…make the most of them. That’s what I’m trying to do.
    I hope that helps. You are not alone. And there is nothing wrong with the place that you are in!!!

  7. April 17, 2013 at 10:38 AM ·

    chin up, lady!
    i echo the sentiments put forth by kim above. stop looking. as soon as you do….BAM.
    just enjoy each and every moment this life has to offer you. you are seriously awesome and your mr. right will find his way!
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