On December 30th of last year my boyfriend of one year told me that we had to break up (our one-year anniversary was the day before). He didn’t see a future for us, not one in which we stayed together, got married one day and had babies. He didn’t see any of the things that I did.
So when something like that happens it feels like your heart is actually breaking. Like, it’s just dying. The realistic side of me knew that I would get through it. I just had to let those feelings happen and run their course. And they did and I got on with life. Now I’m dealing with “What do I do now??”
Let me tell you that this is not fun. I’m 32, single and childless. I want to be 32, married and pregnant. Why tiptoe around that? That’s what I want, it’s the truth. But before anyone starts talking about desperation, I’m not going to run into the arms of ANY dude that comes along. I can’t fake things, especially not my emotions. (Although, if Bradley Cooper would like to “take me away from all this” I’d go gladly, no questions asked.)
Anyone who knows me, knows that I have a terrible poker face. I dumped the guy I was going to go to my junior prom with a week before the dance because I felt more like his therapist than his girlfriend. Going to the dance alone was not at ALL what I wanted to do — and it sucked — but I couldn’t stay with him because it just wasn’t the right thing for either of us, even if the timing was terrible.
So with that said I’m obviously looking for something real, something substantial. I know that I don’t NEED a man, but I WANT one.
But let’s just face it. I’m tired. I’m like Charlotte from the Sex and the City where she gets so frustrated and just yells “I’ve been dating since I was 15! I’m exhausted! Where is he???”
That’s EXACTLY where I am right now. Like, I have no desire to put forth ANY effort whatsoever to land a dude. I just want him to show up and MAKE AN EFFORT to get to know me and ask me out. I’m always the one who puts forth effort, for once I want to be pursued.
The thought, just the mere idea, of going back to match.com or eHarmony makes me want to vomit. I don’t know if I can do that again — sift through profiles and then wait for someone to write back and then have that first phone call and hope that goes well enough to want to meet them for coffee. And then have to go to that coffee shop and PRAY that they’re great enough to want to go on another date. There are so many mini milestones that you have to hope to get through just to get to the point that you have someone good enough to eat dinner with.
I’m at the point in my life where I really want to have a baby. While my experience with my father makes the idea of purposely being a single mother not at all appealing to me, I’m starting to feel like time really isn’t on my side. I’m losing more viable eggs as I type this sentence. I don’t want to wait for “the right time” because what if there isn’t one?? And people always tell me that there never really is a “right time” anyway. I can do what I can to make sure I’m in a good place financially but there isn’t a whole lot I can do to control whether or not the right guy, THE guy, is there to marry me.
So I have no idea what’s next, or rather WHO’S next, but I know that I won’t settle and I won’t let a lack of a love life stop me from experiencing motherhood.
Image from © Lime Lane Photography